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knife and fork saddens the soul. Trying to lift more weight Alzheimer’s/dementia patient who may wander off and get lost or
than you can manage when your spouse or parent falls injured, or injures others driving a car. Caregivers’ health and safety
wears on the body. needs consideration, too. It’s not merely strained muscles and backs
from lifting limp, heavy people from floors, beds or chairs; a sel-
Visiting one specialist after the other, each prescribing dom-discussed issue is that some dementia patients become phys-
another wonder drug, makes you wonder if it’s better to ically abusive. Also, sleep deprivation and exhaustion make all
toss the meds and accept, “It is what it is.” New doctors caregiver activities more difficult. Caregivers need family and
run old tests. You wonder if anyone knows that somebody friends, regular time off, and the wisdom to know when to let pro-
can pass the simple standard Alzheimer’s test, including fessionals take over; placing patients in care facilities while they can
drawing that clock with hands at a suggested time, and still communicate their needs to staff may be better than waiting
can start a car, drive into oncoming traffic and get lost in until they need hospice.
familiar neighborhoods.
It’s difficult for optimists to maintain a survival sense of humor
“Well, how are you doing,” says the new doctor. The when it seems as if one’s twilight years have become a Twilight
patient responds, “Fine, no problems,” and the caregiver Zone. But there are moments for laughter. When your loved one
wants to say, “No, not fine at all! He’s become incontinent. is asked if he remembers his favorite actor, John Wayne, and from
He sleeps 18 hours a day. He gets up in the middle of the somewhere in his broken brain comes, ”Of course, that’s like asking
night and roams our neighborhood. He asks for lunch and me if I remember Jesus Christ.” You laugh because it’s going to be
then forgets that he asked and takes a nap. I don’t know a happy memory, the only kind that keeps tears away and eyes from
what to do or when to do it!” getting puffy.

“Did you have a nice weekend,” asks the doctor, trying Marcy Meffert writes the Elder Express column for
to start conversation. “Yes,” she says, and the caregiver the San Antonio Express-News and is a former
wants to say, “She left a frying pan on the stove, and it was mayor of Leon Valley.
so burned we threw it out. So we went out to eat, she ordered a
salad, refused to eat it, then said she hates me. She doesn’t recognize visit us at www.bcms.org 19
our grandchildren; just stares at them like they’re strangers.”

When caregivers are torn between loyalty to loved ones’ wishes
and the need to reveal what patients won’t, there is a solution: Pres-
ent a note to the receptionist when checking in at the doctor’s office
and ask the doctor to read it prior to seeing the patient. The note
should explain how upset and angry the patient gets “when you say
those bad things about me” and briefly describe new symptoms and
changes in old ones. Doctors can then target specific issues when
questioning patients. Although caregivers frequently become in-
terpreters for their loved ones, they should let patients respond to
doctors as best as they can.

CRUEL DISEASE WORSENS
Some statistics say 65 percent of caregivers die before the person

they care for dies. Stress-related illnesses are common, and for many
families, placement in a care facility adds more stress from guilt
feelings. People who have not had caretaking experience often add
more guilt when their advice implies that caregivers aren’t doing
their best. Former caregivers acknowledge that this cruel disease
only gets worse and eventually, safety becomes more important
than anyone’s pride or guilt. It’s not only safety for the