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MENTAL HEALTH
CHALLENGES

Grief,

Mourning

and

Acceptance

Fred H. Olin, MD

Back in medical school, we were told about someone’s multiple called, emailed and showed up to tell me how she had made them
levels of grieving. I am intentionally not looking them up… but I feel good about something.
might after I finish this, have it proofread by my daughter (who is Here’s an example of her influence: When I was in my late
an excellent writer), and have it submitted to San Antonio Medicine. teens, I belonged to one of the nationally competitive junior drum
My wife, Sondra, died about 9½ months before this writing. It and bugle corps in the Chicago area. In 2008, the corps, The Cav-
hasn’t been the most fun time of my life. As I reflect on my course aliers (which creates very loyal alumni), reached 60 years of exis-
of missing the woman I loved beyond reason and was married to for tence. For the anniversary they organized an alumni corps in which
almost exactly 57 years, I realized that, so far, there have been three I played. We gave only one performance of significance, which
stages, which I will call “acute grief,” “mourning” and “acceptance.” was preceded by about 10 days of intensive music and drill re-
Grief lasted perhaps eight or 10 weeks. Every minute of every hearsals in the Chicago suburbs and around Bloomington, Indi-
day consisted of trying to control the external signs of my emo- ana, where the Drum Corps International final contests were held
tions. I wasn’t very good at it. that year. I posted her obituary on The Cavaliers’ alumni site.
Dozens of the other members (there were about 180 of us) sent
In reality, I don’t remember much about the first four me notes via the site telling me how they had introduced them-
selves to her as she accompanied me to many of the rehearsals.
weeks or so, only momentary visual vignettes, occasional
She had asked them about their families, their schooling (some of
snippets of conversation and not much else.
the guys were still in college) and their lives in general and gener-
ally made them happy they had talked with her. I never knew.
The support of family, friends, and even acquaintances was Anyway, as I regained contact with the world around me, I still
gratifying and amazing. I had no choice but to interact with them, mourned. I felt that I should be able to walk into a room in our
which was what saved me from withdrawing too far from the home and say “Hey, Sonnie…” but I couldn’t. I started reminisc-
world around me. I discovered that there was a multitude of peo- ing to myself about not only the 57 years of marriage, but all the
ple who knew her, some only from relatively short contact. Many way back to college days when I first met her. There aren’t many

14 San Antonio Medicine • May 2019